Solitude vs. Technology

"Welcome to your new addiction!", were the words of the young man that sold me my iphone this week.  Little did I know just how true those words would be.  The last 48 hours have been consumed with learning and experiencing this new world.  In addition, Steve updated my computer and I started a Facebook page and of course, I now blog.  Some would say that I have finally entered into the 21st century.  Is this a good thing?  As much as I love to explore Youtube, text to family members, discover old friends on Facebook, spill my heart on the Blog, I wonder just how much "solitude" this is robbing me of.  I suppose I can't use the word "robbing", as I am voluntarily turning it over to . . . . to whom?  I read a quote this week that caused me to pause;

I have an almost religious zeal . . . .

not for technology per se, but for the Internet

which is for me, the nervous system of

mother Earth,

which I see as a living creature, 

linking up.

7 Days ago I exchanged television, and 3 full meals a day for a time of solitude so that I could listen to the voice of the Lord.  5 days into that very precious time I began to let my attention

be diverted . . . . like a child moving from one distraction to the next; tired of one toy, so I look for another.  No, I am not going to blame all the options and distractions of technology on my loss of focus.  I am only disappointed in myself.  But I must say that I was well drawn into it before I realized what had happened.  How simple to leave and yet how difficult to stay true to solitude.  It goes against everything that is culturally relevant. 

Now I have given up everything else - 

I have found it to be the only way to really

know Christ and to experience the mighty power 

that brought Him back to life again, 

and to find out what it means to suffer and die

with Him.

So, whatever it takes, I will be one who lives in the fresh

newness of life of those who are alive from the dead.

Phil. 3:10,11

So . . . . "Linking Up" takes on a whole new meaning to me now. 

 

 

Musings and Memories

As I write this, I am  experiencing a daily routine. Barkley and Duchess, our 2 year old beagle and 3 year old "chaweagle", are curled up under the blanket next to me, sleeping.  We have a sitting area in our bedroom with side by side chaise lounges. This is where I read, use my computer, watch television at times, or spend my sleepless nights.  But I always have companions.  They know which side is theirs and they will paw and paw at the blanket until I lift it for them to come in.  Any time, day or night that I sit here, they are with me.  If I get up, they either wait for me here if they think I'm coming back, or they follow me around the house, hoping  I will return. To say our puppies are spoiled is most likely an understatement.  But loved they are. Scroll down to the end of the blog for a picture of the two of them. 

  Yesterday was a quiet day.  Stefani is now in Phoenix, so the usual human interaction, apart from Steve, is had over the phone, on the computer or when I leave the house.  Mondays have typically been days that I do not make appointments and will dig out from under, after a wild and crazy weekend.  I need those quiet Mondays to prepare myself for the upcoming week.  They just aren't usually that quiet. Being the introvert that I am, I am not complaining.  But I do miss my Stefani!  Puppies, as wonderful as they are, do not replace family.  I also am without a phone for a few days, having left my phone charger in Arizona.  While it is enroute by mail, I wait.  Phone and computer are my lifeline to family.  

This is day 5 of the fast.  I was going to try and eliminate the one light meal yesterday, but, alas, I did not.  Rather than chastising myself, I rejoiced in what I had.  This is all a process and the first things I have noticed in this journey are my weaknesses and sinfulness.   I don't say that lightly, as this is beyond uncomfortable.  I certainly won't go into detail in all God is revealing and re-revealing to me.  This isn't the place for that.  I love Gordon's poem, Be Thou My Vision.  My thoughtful Renaissance Man of a brother, put words to my feelings, as beautiful poetry will do.

I  pulled up my brother Phil's sermons, and listened to one called "Pilgrimage".  Again, I was in awe of what depth of thought and articulation of word was crafted.... It brought me to tears.  I am privileged to call them brothers.  

Many times I have wondered what my sister Connie would have been like had she lived.  I know she shared Gordon's beautiful brown eyes and long, dark lashes. And  from what Mom tells me,

 was quiet and serious.  I look hopefully to the day when we meet and I can learn her soul as well.  

In the meantime, here on earth, God has blessed me with some very special friends.  3 of which I can say are my "earth" sisters. One is Wendy.  She lives in Pasadena.  Wendy was always laughing, always talking about  or to Jesus.  She loved with an unconditional, welcoming love.

She loved her husband Tony; she loved her daughter Carissa, and sons, Scott and Mark.  She loved their spouses, and she loved her grandchildren.  She loved my children and she loved me.

I say all this in passed tense because, although Wendy is only 61, she has early onset alzheimer's disease.  She doesn't live in the home that she so beautifully decorated and maintained; she lives in  a care facility.  Perhaps I am saying this because we received a letter from Tony this last week.  He poured his heart out about his anger, his sadness that the woman he has loved since they were teenagers, is unable to return that love. Soon she will not even recognize him.  

 She seldom recognizes her own children and grandchildren. 

 Even though there was eight years difference in our age, everywhere we went people thought we were sisters.  We would laugh and just say "yes, we're sisters". Wendy and I would walk, talk and pray at Lacey Park; we would shop together, have lunch together, go garage sale-ing together. We were constantly at each others homes. We loved and prayed for each others children.  We even shared Christmas together one year.  Even after we moved back to Scottsdale, Wendy would make trips out to see us or I would go to see her and Tony. She challenged me in my relationship with the Lord.  Her childlike love and faith always ministered to me.  Over this last year, I have grieved her "death".  The shell is still there, but my Wendy is gone.  Tony and I have emailed back and forth some, but it always sends me into sobbing and grieving that is too painful to do very often.  He says the same.  So, we go on with life.   But, Wendy will always be my sister.   

Too . . .

I have heard through the grapevine that some of my family think my blogs are too long.  They are probably too much of a number of things. Too serious, too introspective, too soul 

searching . . .

All I can say is that happens to be where I am at the moment.  Stay tuned and in some days, weeks or longer, that may change.  But for now, speed read, don't read, whatever.  It is what it is.  I am what I am.  Wow, even that sounds intense!  I am saying this all with a smile on my face (not a smirk!) You will just have to trust me on that one.

Today is day number 3 on the fast.  Steve and I are "easing" into it with eating one light meal a day. I hope to eliminate that for me tomorrow.  He will probably continue with the one meal since he still has a full and rather stressful schedule.  I find myself wanting to stay quiet and as unsocial as possible.  My mind is very focused on hearing the Lord and that is difficult for me when my day is full of people and activity. (I have yet to come to the place of Brother Lawrence, where his every moment is conscious of the presence of God. i.e. Practicing the Presence of God)  Routines trigger my stomach pangs.  I felt irritable at times. Emotions seem to be a bit intensified.  But the focus and rawness of my emotions must have a purpose.  I read Isaiah 58:2-14 this afternoon and wept.  I wept off and on through the Services at church . . . my heart feels like a meat mallet is being taken to it. I suppose as the toxins are coming to the surface in my body, the toxins in my "soul" are doing the same. 

First Love

Revelation 2:3-5, "You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.  Remember the height from which you have fallen!  Repent and do the things you did at first.  If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place."

One of my greatest fears right now is that we will transition from one ministry to the next without time to reflect on the past and prepare for the future.  I know there are things that we have learned (or should have learned!) at our church here that God wants us to take into the ministry of LAM.  I know there are things that we should leave behind.  Every closure, every beginning should be immersed in prayer and reflection.  It seems as though, for financial and logistical reasons, we will be moving from one to the other with little or no time for rest and reflection.  Hence, the prayer and fasting now.  Yesterday, Steve decided to join me in this. I know it will be more challenging for him since his schedule is far more hectic. But, we researched fasting and came up with plan.  (His idea, not mine . . .I was just going to jump head first into the icy waters!) It sounds like we have never done this before but we have.  Much time has passed since I did a full out fast.  And this will be open ended . . . it will end when God tells us we have heard, we have learned, what He wants us to.

Day 1.  Liquids for 2 meals, full dinner since we had a previous commitment to eat with a family in our church.  This could be a problem since so many people want to say goodbye with a meal.

I had some good quiet time to read and reflect, and even spent an hour with my special friend Bonnie to pray.  We cried through much of it as the wrenching goodbye has already begun.

 A wonderful reminder that God is in control . . . We really are stepping out in faith financially at a time when most couples our age are putting away for retirement and living from the fruit of years of hard work and saving.  Our biggest burden at the moment is a hefty house payment based on a salary that we have had here in beautiful Monterey.  The salary drastically changes the first week in January, but the house payment remains until God chooses to sell our house.  So we are looking at adding an apt. cost while maintaining our home here as it is on the market.  Crazy, huh?  This is God's timing, not ours.  Total dependence on Him!  Yesterday, first day of the fast, Steve walks into the room holding something in his hands. He says, " Have you been praying?"  A check had come in the mail that we had not anticipated. Evidently we had over payed on some land tax and we were being refunded the money.  This may not seem significant, but 3 weeks ago we had an unexpected expense when our well pump went out and we had to put thousands of dollars into replacing it.  The check almost exactly covered that expense!  In small and big ways, God is daily saying "don't fear, I am with you.  Your every need finds is source in Me." 

Something hit hard during my reading in "The Heavenly Man" yesterday.  Brother Yun started an "Oil Station" ( Bible School ) for the new believers that needed nurturing and strengthening.

Those that were wanting to be sent out as pastors and teachers were spending 2 months in intensive training in a cave in a mountain.  Everyday they were required to memorize one chapter of the Bible along with their other Biblical training.  "One day, back at the Oil Station, we laid hands on a team that was being sent to Sichuan Province.  Brother Wei asked the young men and women, 'you have no money and you are going far from home.  What is the one thing you are most afraid will happen to you?'  The new workers responded in one voice, "We are not afraid of going hungry or of being beaten.  We are willing to die for the gospel!  We are only afraid of going without God's presence.  Please pray He will be with us every day."

As God continues to show me what is truly important in life and ministry, please pray that He will be with us every day.  may our lampstand never go out and may we stay true to our first love, God our Father and His son Jesus Christ.

Dissever

I debated within myself this morning whether to carry my extremism into blogdom . . . extremism won out.  I am embarking into a time of fasting and prayer; a time to dissever myself from everyday life for the purpose of seeking God's heart in particular matters.  I have no idea on this side of things, how long this will be or even how challenging.  But, I am sharing this with you all since I know that my prayer support is with the majority of you that will be viewing.  

The Lord has been calling me to this fast and prayer for some time now.  I have resisted.  Part of my choosing to write is a way of committing and being held accountable.  It is too easy to pull over myself the blanket of comfort and to fall back asleep . . . So if I refer to this process God is taking me through or if I seem a bit more serious and thoughtful that normal, please be understanding. I welcome your support in prayer and for anyone that would care to join me in this journey, it would be an honor to walk it together.

Perhaps it's the time of life, but for whatever reason I find that I am awake most of the night, most of the time.  Rather than resist it, as I did for some time, I have chosen to make it a night watch.  You may find many a blog written in the wee hours of the morning! But last night I read through much of "The Heavenly Man", the story of a Chinese christian by the name of Brother Yu.  His story is truly remarkable, full of torture, imprisonment, starvation and yes, miracles.  During one of his many stints of imprisonment he fasted from food and water  74 days.  I know that is physically impossible, but the Lord sustained him.  His story encouraged me to "brace the winds of self sacrifice" and see what the Lord has to say to me. 

My purpose in sharing the time of prayer and fasting with you is not to hold myself up as any kind of model of spirituality. Quite the opposite.  This is a time of weakness and vulnerability and I know that will be what rises to the surface first.  Pride is my forever battle and not a day goes by that it doesn't rear its' ugly head.  So please, pray for God's strength during this time and that I will drink deeply of the bread and water that He brings me.

The Ebb and Flow of Life

As this is my first entry into "Blogdom", and the bar has been set so high with the gifted writers and thinkers that we have in this amazing circle of family and friends, I feel somewhat awkward in knowing where to jump in.  My life is in such amazing transition that it is rather complicated to verbally unravel for you all.  But the challenge is in the attempt.

A few months ago Steve was searching the internet for a way to get connected with someone that he had worked with in Argentina. He went to  a website for a mission organization that this person was with.  While there, he discovered that this mission was on a search for a new president.  He read through the job description and sensed a strange prompting from the Lord to pursue this.  He began by seeking counsel from some trusted friends in ministry, and sent them the bio.  Oddly enough, they thought that he would be a perfect match for this position.  So Steve and I began praying about it, asking God to close the door if this was not for us.  He sent his resume in and within one day he had response from this organization, Latin American Missions.

That was about 5 months ago, and since then he has been to Miami twice to be interviewed.  In between the first and second interviews (both in October), Steve and I took a few days in Cambria for quiet reflection and prayer. Going into that time, we did not feel that we could leave our church  in Monterey after only being here 2 1/2 years.  But God spoke to us separately and then together, laying this ministry heavy on our hearts.  I personally had to 

lay aside my concern for separation from children, grandchildren, parents; leaving a lovely home, in a beautiful part of the country, a church family that we had come to love, and a good salary and "comfortable" way of life.  When I gave that all to the Lord, and then asked Him what kingdom work he would have us to do from here out, it became clear.  The Board of LAM were of the same heart and offered him the position.

We both have always had a restlessness in local church ministry.  I know we were doing exactly what God called us to and His timing is perfect.  The question for Steve has been for 35 years, "Am I a pastor with a missionary's heart, or am I a missionary with a pastors heart?" I believe that he can finally answer "yes and yes" to that question  in this role at LAM.  He will be a missionary and a pastor, with the opportunity to think and dream and move globally. 

We now have our house on the market, with our last day at Cypress being the first Sunday in January.  We will travel to Miami and January 16th Steve will start with LAM by participating in the first of 2 yearly Internship's.  The Lord is preparing us for a return to "faith living", and the challenges are great.  I have discovered that the evil one is a panic artist and he plays heavily in our self- consciousness.  But I am learning to trust and rest in deeper ways than I ever have before, and each day brings a fresh opportunity to watch God at work.  Jehovah-Jireh, our Provision.  "In quietness and in trust shall be your strength."  Isaiah 30:15