Too . . .

I have heard through the grapevine that some of my family think my blogs are too long.  They are probably too much of a number of things. Too serious, too introspective, too soul 

searching . . .

All I can say is that happens to be where I am at the moment.  Stay tuned and in some days, weeks or longer, that may change.  But for now, speed read, don't read, whatever.  It is what it is.  I am what I am.  Wow, even that sounds intense!  I am saying this all with a smile on my face (not a smirk!) You will just have to trust me on that one.

Today is day number 3 on the fast.  Steve and I are "easing" into it with eating one light meal a day. I hope to eliminate that for me tomorrow.  He will probably continue with the one meal since he still has a full and rather stressful schedule.  I find myself wanting to stay quiet and as unsocial as possible.  My mind is very focused on hearing the Lord and that is difficult for me when my day is full of people and activity. (I have yet to come to the place of Brother Lawrence, where his every moment is conscious of the presence of God. i.e. Practicing the Presence of God)  Routines trigger my stomach pangs.  I felt irritable at times. Emotions seem to be a bit intensified.  But the focus and rawness of my emotions must have a purpose.  I read Isaiah 58:2-14 this afternoon and wept.  I wept off and on through the Services at church . . . my heart feels like a meat mallet is being taken to it. I suppose as the toxins are coming to the surface in my body, the toxins in my "soul" are doing the same. 

First Love

Revelation 2:3-5, "You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.  Remember the height from which you have fallen!  Repent and do the things you did at first.  If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place."

One of my greatest fears right now is that we will transition from one ministry to the next without time to reflect on the past and prepare for the future.  I know there are things that we have learned (or should have learned!) at our church here that God wants us to take into the ministry of LAM.  I know there are things that we should leave behind.  Every closure, every beginning should be immersed in prayer and reflection.  It seems as though, for financial and logistical reasons, we will be moving from one to the other with little or no time for rest and reflection.  Hence, the prayer and fasting now.  Yesterday, Steve decided to join me in this. I know it will be more challenging for him since his schedule is far more hectic. But, we researched fasting and came up with plan.  (His idea, not mine . . .I was just going to jump head first into the icy waters!) It sounds like we have never done this before but we have.  Much time has passed since I did a full out fast.  And this will be open ended . . . it will end when God tells us we have heard, we have learned, what He wants us to.

Day 1.  Liquids for 2 meals, full dinner since we had a previous commitment to eat with a family in our church.  This could be a problem since so many people want to say goodbye with a meal.

I had some good quiet time to read and reflect, and even spent an hour with my special friend Bonnie to pray.  We cried through much of it as the wrenching goodbye has already begun.

 A wonderful reminder that God is in control . . . We really are stepping out in faith financially at a time when most couples our age are putting away for retirement and living from the fruit of years of hard work and saving.  Our biggest burden at the moment is a hefty house payment based on a salary that we have had here in beautiful Monterey.  The salary drastically changes the first week in January, but the house payment remains until God chooses to sell our house.  So we are looking at adding an apt. cost while maintaining our home here as it is on the market.  Crazy, huh?  This is God's timing, not ours.  Total dependence on Him!  Yesterday, first day of the fast, Steve walks into the room holding something in his hands. He says, " Have you been praying?"  A check had come in the mail that we had not anticipated. Evidently we had over payed on some land tax and we were being refunded the money.  This may not seem significant, but 3 weeks ago we had an unexpected expense when our well pump went out and we had to put thousands of dollars into replacing it.  The check almost exactly covered that expense!  In small and big ways, God is daily saying "don't fear, I am with you.  Your every need finds is source in Me." 

Something hit hard during my reading in "The Heavenly Man" yesterday.  Brother Yun started an "Oil Station" ( Bible School ) for the new believers that needed nurturing and strengthening.

Those that were wanting to be sent out as pastors and teachers were spending 2 months in intensive training in a cave in a mountain.  Everyday they were required to memorize one chapter of the Bible along with their other Biblical training.  "One day, back at the Oil Station, we laid hands on a team that was being sent to Sichuan Province.  Brother Wei asked the young men and women, 'you have no money and you are going far from home.  What is the one thing you are most afraid will happen to you?'  The new workers responded in one voice, "We are not afraid of going hungry or of being beaten.  We are willing to die for the gospel!  We are only afraid of going without God's presence.  Please pray He will be with us every day."

As God continues to show me what is truly important in life and ministry, please pray that He will be with us every day.  may our lampstand never go out and may we stay true to our first love, God our Father and His son Jesus Christ.